Listen to Irving Wesley Hall's Feb. 1 discussion with
Stephen Lendman about the heritage of Howard Zinn and J.D. Salinger (both men died Jan. 27) on the Stephen Lendman News Hour:
Follow this link

Read Irving Wesley Hall's latest commentaries:

The Butthole Bomber:
Dick Cheney's Next Terrorist Threat
Jan. 6, 2010

"Chosen People" Jews or Aryans?
The Deadly Irony of the Holocaust Museum Shooting"
June 22, 2009

“What’s Good for General Motors Is Now Good for China”
Guest commentary in the The Daily Star, Oneonta, NY
June 6, 2009

If you like upbeat conclusions, read. . .
“Dorothy and Toto’s Amazing Inauguration Day”

Watch a powerful new Alternate Focus documentary
on Christian Zionism featuring authors
Irving Wesley Hall and the Rev. Donald Wagner:

Onward, Christian Zionists

(Watch here, then log in to your You Tube account to post a comment,
vote or subscribe to the Alternate Focus Channel.)

Follow this link to listen to Irving Wesley Hall's
discussion about Christian Zionism with Stephen Lendman
on The Global Research News Hour.

Find out more about Christian Zionism:

“10 Questions about Christian Zionism,”
“Judeo-Christian Values” and
“Judeo-Christians Kick The Hell Out Of Lebanon!”
by Irving Wesley Hall

Rev. Donald Wagner's authoritative five-part
history of Christian Zionism

Books:

Anxious for Armageddon:
A Call to Partnership for Middle Eastern and Western Christians
by Rev. Donald Wagner

Dying in the Land of Promise:
Palestine and Palestinian Christianity from Pentecost to 2000
by Rev. Donald Wagner

The Einstein Sisters Bag the Flying Monkeys
by Irving Wesley Hall
executive producer, Onward, Christian Zionists

Satirical excerpt from The Einstein Sisters Bag the Flying Monkeys

The Christian Zionist Final Solution
for the Jewish People

“The Bible Prophesies the Extinction of the Jews”

© 2007 Irving Wesley Hall

Principal Moriah Godley ordered Mr. Cassandra to open his Bible. “Read Zechariah 13:8-9 out loud.”

In a nervous voice Maxine Einstein’s reluctant new teacher quoted the passage.

⁸ And it shall come to pass, that in all the land, saith the LORD, two parts therein shall be cut off and die; but the third shall be left therein.

⁹ And I will bring the third part through the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried: they shall call on my name, and I will hear them: I will say, It is my people: and they shall say, The LORD is my God.

All of the teachers understood the significance of the verses because this Old Testament passage was integral to the well-known dispensationalist End Times scenario. The doctrine was preached by hundreds of popular televangelists and believed without question by tens of millions of evangelical Christians, many of whom had never thought of themselves as “Christian Zionists” or heard the term “dispensationalism.”

Godley nodded to Tina Einstein's shy new teacher. “Well, Mrs. Waters?”

“During the seven years of Tribulation,” she whispered, “two-thirds of the world’s Jews will perish in the bloodshed. Only 144,000 will survive. Every one of those will convert to Christianity so that their ministry can offer a second chance to the billions of other folks left behind after we born again Christians are Raptured.”

Of course, pickle-faced librarian Miss Bowdler was the first to catch on. “You’re sending two of the three Einstein sisters to Israel to die in the Battle of Armageddon.”

Godley smiled. “I’ve already made the arrangements—a full college scholarship and a lucrative business opportunity. Before prayers I’ll brief the seniors. Of course, the girls must never know about the Lord’s plans. Everyone at Shepherd’s Vale is responsible to help the two girls make the decision to emigrate. And each must think that it is her own idea.”

Which two? Everyone wondered, but no one dared to ask.

— The Einstein Sisters, “Angry Jesus Smokes Saddam Hussein”

Satirical excerpt from The Einstein Sisters Bag the Flying Monkeys

Norma Einstein Discovers
Godley’s Secret Plan

© 2007 Irving Wesley Hall

(Follow this link to read the plot)

Shepherd’s Vale School, Florida, October 2000.

“So what?” Juanito challenged his younger classmate, Norma Einstein.

“This isn’t about mankind’s laws. It’s about completing the sixth dispensation as God commanded in the Bible. That means ingathering the world’s Jews in Israel. We believe that mandate is God’s highest law in our time. That’s what makes us Christian Zionists.”

“What about the Ten Commandments?”

“They take a back seat when it comes to Israel. The country still exists because we gave the Jews permission to break the Ten Commandments. They can't fulfill God’s promise to Abraham without coveting the Arabs’ land, murdering their neighbors, electing adulterous leaders who steal in office, and lying to the world about it.”

“Now I get it!” Norma exclaimed. Finally she understood Godley’s bizarre dispensationalist theology!

“So, Juanito, the Ten Commandments are not absolute but relative to your support for what the Einstein sisters call Israeli terrorists.”

“Don’t you see, Norma? The neo-conservatives are doing something to destroy Israel’s enemies. Can’t you understand how appealing that is to Christians? That fits right into Dr. Godley’s plan—the Bible’s plan. When Bush wins, Paul Wolfowitz will target Saddam Hussein. Every Christian knows he is the Beast of Babylon in the Book of Revelation! You can read it yourself in the Bible!”

Juanito fell silent to savor the cosmic historical moment.

“Invade Iraq!” Norma’s mind boggled at the possible nightmare scenarios. “The whole world could get sucked in.”

Juanito’s eyes began to brighten.

“The whole world,” Norma repeated.

“Is that cool or what?” Juanito asked with a beaming smile. “The Jews can boot out all the Amalekites like the Bible tells them to!”

“Is Israel’s ground more important than the rest of the planet?”

Without even pausing to reflect, Juanito replied, “Of course it is. Until the Jews reclaim their land, the Lord can’t destroy Israel and the planet.”

Then he paused and took an uncharacteristic risk.

“Look, Norma, Reverend Godley could expel me for telling you this, but you have to know. He wants to convince you and Maxine to move to Israel, and he expects you to die there. I was his pawn, but I’m not anymore. I see through him now. Christian Zionists are really dangerous. They could kill us all.”

— The Einstein Sisters, “Jews Burn So Christians Can Fly”
and “Stopping Daniel’s Clock”

Read “Norma Launches Her Moped to End Global Warming”

The author is available for speaking engagements
and interviews. Please contact him via e-mail at this link.

Buy a copy of the book
and get it personally inscribed by the author!

* * *

Order The Einstein Sisters Bag the Flying Monkeys
direct from Not In Kansas Press (Follow this link)

‘Einstein Sisters an informative and funny read’

— Jessica Lewis, The Evening Sun, Norwich, NY

(Read the entire review)

The Einstein Sisters Bag the Flying Monkeys: The story

It's thirteen days before the 2000 election in Florida. Can Albert Einstein's three brilliant great-great-granddaughters save America from
an eight-year-long catastrophe?

Home-schooled Maxine, Norma and Tina's parents mysteriously abandon them to join a neo-conservative conspiracy plotting a disastrous war in Iraq if George Bush steals the presidency. Immediately the sisters find themselves trapped inside ex-wrestler Reverend Moriah Godley's authoritarian Ten Commandments high school. He has brainwashed his Christian students to fly the Jewish girls to Israel to die in the Battle of Armageddon so Christians can ascend to heaven in the Rapture.

Soon Shepherd's Vale School's memorial ceremony for a sailor killed by terrorists attracts a star-studded cast of neo-conservative politicians including Bush, Cheney and their top henchmen. The Einstein sisters dub the visitors "Flying Monkeys" after the death squad in The Wizard of Oz. Jesus of Nazareth is so alarmed that the false prophets' support for nuclear war will become a self-fulfilling prophecy that he returns to earth to inspire his youthful Christian followers.

The book's powerful young heroines and their classmates unite to bag their prey in a spectacular climax that surpasses the uplifting spirit of Dorothy's melting of the Wicked Witch and return to Kansas. The book is both political fantasy and satire, but it deals seriously with political, social and religious themes from international terrorism, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Christian Zionism
and its hidden agenda, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and the persecution
of gays in the name of religion.
Read the Preface and other free excerpts, including the first two chapters.

Not In Kansas Press has published
a 628-page trade paperback edition of
The Einstein Sisters Bag the Flying Monkeys.
Order your copy now direct from the publisher
by following the links below. The book is also available from online bookstores such as Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble and Books-A-Million.

GROUND SHIPPING FREE Trade paperback edition, 628 pages Special price includes FREE GROUND SHIPPING: $22.95 IN STOCK PRIORITY MAIL SHIPPING: $22.95 plus $5 shipping and handling   Autographed copy, includes personalized inscription and a personal phone call from the author, if you send us your phone number. Includes Priority Mail shipping: $35 Orders for autographed books also will receive a free DVD of "Beyond Treason" or a comparable video about Gulf War Syndrome as long as supplies last . Ten cents from the proceeds of every book sold will be donated to Free Speech TV, which broadcasts Democracy Now! and other progressive programming to satellite TV viewers.	Payment Options: Options (Explained at left) With Free Ground Shipping $22.95 With Priority Mail Shipping $27.95 Autographed Copy $35.00   With Free Ground Shipping - $22.95 Priority Mail Shipping - $27.95 Autographed Copy, sent Priority Mail - $35.00
When you order, the link will take you to either a PayPal shopping cart or to Google Checkout. All orders will be shipped within 2 business days of payment. Except for Priority Mail orders, allow 2 weeks for delivery via USPS media mail. If you don't like online ordering, send an email to Not In Kansas Press for instructions on paying by check.

The Einstein Sisters also is available at many
public libraries in New York (see list at right) and online
from Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble and BooksAMillion,
and can be special-ordered from most
brick-and-mortar bookstores.

The cover illustration for the print edition
was created by artist Ian Austin. You can see
more of his work by following at
www.coroflot.com/mostlymade

Interview with the author

Journalist Joanne G. Gruettner recently interviewed
Irving Wesley Hall about his new political satire.
Read an abbreviated version of that interview here.
           

"Spy on Me, Please!"

Follow this link to read the author's
satirical letters to the Oneonta (N.Y.) Daily Star

The Preface and Chapters One and Two
are available here to sample, as are
several chapter excerpts. See
the Table of Contents
below for links.

 

The Einstein Sisters Bag the Flying Monkeys

A Political Satire About
Christian Zionism in Bush’s America

Irving Wesley Hall
Copyright © 2007

 

Preface

For centuries satirists have delighted readers by employing improbable characters, outlandish situations, and provocative humor to poke fun at the current conventional wisdom about religion, morality, and politics—and to arouse the citizenry to right the wrongs perpetuated by the rich and powerful of their times.

In October 2000, Florida’s Shepherd’s Vale School represents a bizarre parallel universe. In the real world, public schools don’t stone students for violating the Ten Commandments. High school business majors don’t build Armageddon theme parks. The school’s loveable mascot isn’t sacrificed on an altar after a winning football season. The principal doesn’t send his Jewish students to Israel to worship Satan in order to speed up the end of the world. The nerds aren’t angry prophets who warn of eternal war, economic collapse, the destruction of the Constitution, and the shredding of the Bill of Rights—if George W. Bush steals the approaching election.

Albert Einstein didn’t really have three great-great granddaughters named Tina, Norma, and Maxine. However, the fictional sisters’ parents mysteriously abandon them to serve a sinister neo-conservative think tank in Washington that is planning a “new Pearl Harbor” to launch a disastrous war in the Middle East. Because the girls love The Wizard of Oz, they call the neo-conservatives “Flying Monkeys” after the Wicked Witch’s infamous death squad.

With Angela Jordan, their loyal and feisty African-American Baptist bus driver, they find themselves trapped inside ex-wrestler Reverend Moriah Godley’s authoritarian Ten Commandments charter school with hundreds of too-perfect students in a mythical hardscrabble town not featured on Florida’s tourist maps.

Seven-year-old prodigy Tina is a closet Christian in her wacky Jewish household. Her wholesome values are the first to clash with Principal Godley’s doom-and-gloom end time scenario. Fourteen-year-old genius Norma has invented a penny-a-mile electric motor scooter that she naively hopes the principal’s Christian supporters will fund to save the world from global warming. Fearless sixteen-year-old Maxine loves to humiliate famous American and Israeli leaders in public to prove she’s the world’s last truly ethical Jew. She jumps at the opportunity to help free the school’s athletes and cheerleaders from the prejudice of anti-Semitism.

This book is more than comic fiction. It explores seriously a popular but little understood American religion—dispensationalism, or Christian Zionism. Millions of sincere Evangelicals have accepted pieces of this theology (the Rapture, Tribulation, Armageddon, and support for Greater Israel) without knowing its underlying theory—which traditional Christians condemn as contrary to Jesus’ teachings, profoundly anti-Semitic, and, potentially, a self-fulfilling prophecy that could destroy the world.

In just three decades, American millionaire televangelists have turned Christianity upside down and morphed Jesus Christ from the prince of peace into a mass murderer, from the advocate for the poor into an apologist for the wealthy. The televangelists’ hidden agenda is to capture the conservative Republican Party and to establish a radical theocratic dictatorship with an imperial president, a corporation-loving Congress, and a Supreme Court willing to crown a fool an Old Testament king and to make the Ten Commandments the law of the land.

Satire always has a moral core; here it is the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth. The novel is a no-holds-barred spiritual contest between the Jesus of the Gospels and the monster created by the televangelists. When Christian Zionist soon-to-be president George W. Bush threatens to incinerate God’s creation in a nuclear war with the enthusiastic support of the perverted “Christian” dispensationalists—Jesus Himself is compelled to return to earth, bearing a cross in a Wal-Mart parking lot. He angrily destroys a temple of consumerism and helps to inspire a madcap high school rebellion to overthrow today’s hypocritical and dangerous Sadducees, Pharisees, and false prophets.

One of the joys of sharing satire with readers is that anything goes! So don’t be surprised if you recognize prominent politicians in the forms of the Antichrist, Satan, and the painted harlot of the Book of Jeremiah.

Welcome to the world of the Einstein Sisters! Join these powerful young heroines on the trail of the Flying Monkeys and cheer their teenage classmates when they bag their prey in a spectacular climax that honors the uplifting spirit of the melting of the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz.

 

Table of Contents

(Several excerpts are provided on this Web site. Where
available, the chapter heading is underlined
and links to the relevant excerpt.)

Monday, October 23, 2000

  1. Angry Jesus Pops Saddam Hussein
  2. Einsteins Taken for a Ride
  3. Grandpa Albert's Connections
  4. Late Great Hal Lindsey
  5. Israel's Messy Attic Saddlers
  6. Mourning Lightning Cleary
  7. Jesus, My Friend in the Closet
  8. A Shepherd's Vale Welcome
  9. Thank You Lord for Sending a Girl!
10. Empire and New Clothes
11. Relative Commandments
12. Pitching Norma's Ark
13. The Future Is History
14. What Intelligent Design?
15. Wal-Mart Visionary
16. Locke Rules! Hobbes Sucks!
17. Greatest History Ever Told
18. Queer Soul Mate
19. A Burning Bush
20. Open the Temple Doors!
21. Condoleezza's Snarling Poodle
22. Just a Guy With a Cross
23. No Fudge Topping, Please
24. Cyanide Kool-Aid

Tuesday, October 24, 2000

25. Hi! My Name Is Satan
26. What's a Billion to Bin Laden?
27. Hurricane Katrina
28. Gospels Incorporated
29. Adam and Eve for Sixth-Graders
30. Tom DeLay or Timothy McVeigh?
31. Hymn Singing Chain Gang
32. Identity Crisis or Identity Theft?
33. Seminoles' Revenge
34. Stoning Bill and Monica
35. Born Again Orphan
36. Sacred Fetuses and Flying Monkeys
37. Go to Heaven Without Dying
38. Temple of Doom
39. Honey, I Shrunk the Animals!
40. Jawboning Jehovah's Boys
41. Torpedoing Norma's Ark
42. Israel Trumps the Ten Commandments
43. Roasting Amalekites
44. Pearl Harbor to Free Iraq
45. Satanic Beatitudes
46. Okay, Dude, What Would Jesus Do?
47. Holy Bible for Dummies
48. Jews Burn So Christians Can Fly
49. Cherry Picking Scripture and Intelligence
50. Monkey See, Monkey Do
51. Sacrificial Lamb
52. Abomination Anonymous
53. Stopping Daniel's Clock
54. Offering Glory to Satan
55. Fatima's Messianic Visitors

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

56. The Devil's Sticky Fingers
57. Crying Wolf-Wolf-Wolf-O-Witz!
58. Yo, Bitch! Whadup?
59. Hail to the Cheese!
60. Uncle Tom's One Party State
61. Wow, A Question of Faith!
62. Crucify Jimmy Carter!
63. Cheney's Butt Hole Bomber
64. No One Important Left Behind
65. Jeremiah's Last Prophecy
66. Jesus' Personal Revelation

 

Articles by Irving Wesley Hall

Judeo Christian Values

Christian Zionism: 10 Questions and Answers

Depleted Uranium Series

Dorothy and Toto's Amazing Inauguration Day

En español:
No. 3 en el serie de uranio empobrecido,
Uranio Empobrecido para Tontos

 

 

Radio and TV

Stephen Lendman interviewed
Irving Wesley Hall
about the Onward, Christian Zionists documentary on
The Global Research News Hour, Tuesday, Feb. 24.
The Global Research News Hour on Republic Broadcasting Network is an initiative of the Centre for Research on Globalization.

Irving Wesley Hall was interviewed about The Einstein Sisters
Bag the Flying Monkeys on Nov. 11, 2008, by Bill Jaker,
host NPR-affiliated station WSKG's popular
“Off the Page” book program.

The author sat for an hourlong interview
about The Einstein Sisters Bag the Flying Monkeys
and related topics Oct. 26, 2008, on
"Issues Oneonta with Dr. Norma Hutman"
on WZOZ-FM, 103.1
serving Chenango, Delaware and Ostego counties
in central New York.

Irving Wesley Hall appeared in 2006 as a guest
on Montreal talk radio station CJAD's “Kevin and Trudie Show”
to discuss depleted uranium and its effect
on Canadian troops deployed in Afghanistan.

Listen here to the interviews (Flash Player 7 or higher required)
Click on the desired interview in the playlist.

INN Television interview of Irving Wesley Hall, April 18, 2006
(Click to view a transcript of the interview.)

The author discussed Christian Zionism
and the July 21-24 Christians United for Israel
"Washington-Israel Summit,"
and his recently published political satire,
The Einstein Sisters Bag the Flying Monkeys,
on KPFK's "World Focus" program, hosted by
Blase Bonpane, Sunday, July 20.
(Fast-forward to the second half of the program.)
The program is available at www.KPFK.org
for streaming, podcast or download.
KPFK, 90.7 FM, is the Los Angeles affiliate of Pacifica Radio.

Follow this link to listen to the interview
talk show host Dan Tsang did with the author
about The Einstein Sisters Bag the Flying Monkeys
Monday, Feb. 4, on his show,“Subversity,”
on KUCI in Irvine, Calif.

 

 

---

 

 

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